Well, it's a new year. And almost 2 1/2 years since the last time I blogged. What a difference 2 1/2 years makes! What a difference a year makes.
**Last year, our Christmas tree was still up. Ornaments strewn about the house, more misplaced and with missing pieces than ever on the tree itself. And the needles. Oh the needles, everywhere you could imagine. It was so bad, I was still finding them in April. Oh dear. Our tree also blew away last year. Every Good Friday, my aunts have a big fish fry, and we burn our Christmas Trees. Sounds a little "hill jack"...but watch it once and then you are hooked. Anyway, yes. Our tree blew away. We went out to get it and it was gone. Oopsie.
*This year, the house is almost "de-Christmased" as I say it. Tree is down, the stand is in it's place in the garage, all of the ornaments are safely put away in a brand new box my mom got me. The angel for the top of the tree is safely put away for use again next year. And all the needles are gone! It only took sweeping about 15 times, but they are gone. Oh, and the tree is safe by the house, getting all dry and ready to burn away on Good Friday. I try to pretend that I can see that far into the future.
**Last year, I was drowning in a sea of Christmas presents. New clothes didn't have a home, and often were dirty due to little hands or little paws before they were ever worn. Toys never really had a place, they just were added to the toy boxes. They were never really played with to their full potential before they were simply forgotten.
*This year, everything is in it's place. December 26th was spent untwisting a thousand twist ties keeping toys in their boxes, organizing the boys new play room, and finding a home for everything that we got. When we were done and saw all our progress, it sure felt bittersweet. What it took to find this new sense of organization was more than a source of pain.
**Most of all, last year, there were three little stockings hanging in their places. There were three piles from Santa. I bought three sets of adorable Christmas jammies. And I tucked three boys in, giving three hugs and three kisses, saying three times, "Goodnight sweet boy. Merry Christmas Eve. I love you."
*This year, I bought only 2 sets of jammies, that didn't even match because Tommy is a big size 6 now! There was only 1 pile from Santa, with a section for each boy on the sides. I like to think that Santa thought it was too hard for me to see only 2 piles. There were only two stockings hanging, and only two boys needed tucked in. Two hugs, and two kisses, and only twice was it said "Goodnight sweet boy. Merry Christmas Eve. I love you." This year, and for every year after, Alex wasn't here.
Ever since that awful day, October 5, 2009, 12:12 pm, I have heard a thousand times "Things will never be normal, but with time you will find a new normal." I have decided that I don't like new normal. My entire life now is a reminder of Alex dying. My house is beautiful, fresh paint, new floors, a new organization I never knew existed. But would this have happened if Alex were still here? Probably not. The boys are now in a pre-school/daycare. I only work days now. We don't have dogs anymore. These are all blessings, but again, would they have happened if Alex were still here? Definately not.
In surfing the internet last night, I had a hard time finding a blog that I could relate to. When you search for child death, you get results about miscarriage, still birth, infant death. Childhood cancer is also there, along with losing a child in their teens. I couldn't find a single blog that was about a tragic accident happening to a sweet little boy, who wasn't sick, and who never had any illnesses. I decided then that there has to be someone out there who needs me, like I so desperately need them. I wanted to start up a new blog right away, but I am still having trouble figuring out a name. I also plan on starting an organization to provide new cribs to anyone in need. Also, still in the mental planning stages, and a long way from doing any real good. Soon. Very soon indeed.
Here is to 2010. New blog, new organization, new normal.
2 comments:
Oh Sarah....how I love you! Words cannot describe how I felt reading your post this morning, as tears were just streaming down my cheeks. I love you guys and miss little Allie every day! I know he was watching over you guys on Christmas, as he is every single day....and he even sent you down a little snow shower at the end of the day just to show you that he was there! You and Adam are wonderful parents to THREE boys....all three of them are so lucky to be loved so much by you two and all of your friends and family! A lot has happened over the last few months and life will never be normal...but know that we are here for you ALWAYS and will do whatever we can to help your "new" normal be the best it can be. I love your idea for a new organization and can't wait to help you get it up and running! Here's to 2010 - a new year, new organization, new normal! I love you, my best friend! Sending you lots of hugs right now and always!
What a beautiful writer you are! I'm a friend of Holly's and found your link on her site. I have been thinking about you ever since I heard about your loss--so glad to see that you are using the therapy of writing to help ease the pain. I read that you went hunting for blogs of other people whose healthy children passed away. I thought I would pass this link your way. Her daughter Ava was 3 years old when she was trapped in a parked car in the hot sun. Her story is so tragic, and one you will surely relate to. http://www.sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog/
I don't know how accessible Sheye will be to talk to, because I know she gets lots and lots of comments each day, but if nothing else, a lot of other parents who have lost their children in freak accidents sometimes leave their info in their own comments on Sheye's blog. I hope this helps you. I'm so sorry about Alex.
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