What a long time its been!!!

So I was doing really good for a while, and then not so much. So much has happened since the last time I posted! The most noticeable is the layout, they make it so easy to change! There have been birthdays, vacations and tattoos! And I started culinary school!! All very exciting, with lots and lots of pictures! I am starting a new blog that is just about my journey through culinary school, but it isn't ready yet.


So all this to say, that I will post again soon! Ha!


Come back soon...it will be updated and fabulous!!


Peace :)

I Choose to Live...

In the last 5 months, there have been very special people that have chosen to send or leave cards for me. It always seems that I get them exactly when I need to. I got a card today, or at least that is when I got it out of the mailbox, from a very special person, whom I will call P. In it was a sermon that spoke to her, and she was hoping it would to me as well. Here is a part she made sure I noticed:

"It was once a custom in Lakota Sioux Indian villages, at a time when many children did not survive infancy, to have a mourning tee-pee at the outskirts of the tribal village. All women who lost children were sent to live in that tee-pee for a month of solitude and grief. At the end of the month, the tee-pee was set on fire. The woman inside had to decide whether to live or die. If she came out of the burning tee-pee, this indicated that she was prepared to live, and she then rebuilt the tee-pee for the next mourner. As harsh as such a practice may sound to us, it's a pretty good graphic word-picture of the very necessary decisions we are confronted with as we try to move out of the despair of deep grief."

To actually have to decide whether to live or die, that would be hard. Everyday, I decide to get out of bed, take the boys to school, and go on with my day. Whether that be working, a day off full of appointments, or a day off to just relax, I always choose to get out of bed. It isn't always easy, but it also isn't deciding whether or not to come out of a burning tee-pee. In those terms, I guess I do choose to come out of the tee-pee. If only it were as easy as having to decide only once. In reality, those who deal with grief have to decide that every day. Because just deciding to come out, that doesn't mean really living, where as chosing not to come out doesn't mean actually dying. I guess where I am at, I just chose to live. I have my bad days, and I have my not so bad days. But my journey through grief is my own, and I am the only one who knows how to get through it. I live, and I can live how I want. No questions asked. And in the words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."

Tomorrow is is a big day of 5s. March 5th, Allie's 5 month Angelday, and 5 days until my 25th birthday. A lot to be happy about, and a lot to be sad about. Such is my life.

Paulie said "ByeByeSar" the other night. Big Nate said it was a coincidence, I choose to believe otherwise. I will miss forever seeing Allie and Paulie grow up together. At least now, a little piece of Alex will grow up with Paul. I still see Alex everywhere Paul is. Here is hoping that lasts forever.

Peace. And choosing to live, whatever that means.

Alex's 4 Month Angelday

Four months...wow. Feels like it may as well have been four years. I couldn't sleep last night. Just lonely I guess, so I watched tv, played around on the computer, thought about all the things I still needed to do before Sunday. Nothing particularly important. When I stopped to see what time it was, it was 1:30. My first thought was wow! Way too late! My next thought was, exactly 4 months ago from right this very moment, was the last time I saw him. Last time I said "good night", last time I kissed his sweet face. I tried at least. I remember like yesterday, he didn't want to give me a kiss. He hated when Adam took him up to bed and I didn't, I think he didn't give me a kiss because he didn't want to leave me. Look where we are now. Missing him and his sloppy kisses every hour of everyday.

Dear Allie,

I love you and miss you so much. I am just not the same without you, but so much better for having known you. I will live the rest of my life trying to make you proud. Happy Angelday baby.

Love you, Mommy

And the clumsy one gets stitches...

He is pretty proud of his bandaid and bracelet from the hospital!

Yes...our first set of stitches. Pretty amazing considering Nate is almost 4, and he is by far the clumsiest kid I know! Combine Nathan, a ball, running, and a door, and that is apparantly the formula for stitches! Jumping around now, almost as if nothing happened, so all is well! A constant bandaid for 7 days and a new whale from the hospital for being a brave boy, and we officially made it through our first injury. Nothing like stitches to get you ready for your birthday!

Peace. And stitches.

I Just Want to be Ok

Just give me back my pieces, just give them back to me.

Just give me back my pieces, and let me hold my broken parts.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok. I just want to be ok today.

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today. I just want to feel something today.

I just want to know today, know today, know today. Know that maybe I will be ok.

An upbeat Ingrid Michaelson song. Who knew that it would hit so close to home. Hoping I will "be ok" soon.

Peace.

A Family of 5 Forever....

but how can we be a family of 5 when there are only 4 of us when we are all together? One of my neighbors, and new friend, told me that the very first time we met. "Just remember, you will always be a family of 5." Sometimes that makes me feel better. Just because he is gone doesn't mean he doesn't still belong to us. Other days, like today, it just isn't good enough. I want to hold him, I want to snuggle with him, I want to see his face light up when I walk into the room. I want my baby.

Every night, before I tuck the boys into bed, Tommy goes through the usual list of things he just has to tell me. "I miss Alex, I wish Alex would come back, I miss Buster and Zoe, When can we get new dogs, and when can we get a new baby." "I do too, I do too, I know, Not anytime soon, but eventually, and I don't know" are my usual replys. What I want to say is "You have no idea how much I miss him, I would give up my life to have him come back to you, I hated the dogs, they ruined my life as far as I am concerned, Never ever will we have new dogs, and I'm sorry but Mommy will never ever have another baby." He is usually satisfied with the first set of replys so I don't go any further. Oh dear, when did life get so damn complicated??

The only thing that makes me truly happy...thinking of my 3 boys together.

I think maybe I will get a kitten. Something little and cute and cuddly. A little something to try and fill the cuddle void. I asked Adam...he said he would think about it. Fingers crossed.

Mom always ends her posts with "Peace". I think we could all use a little peace.

Peace. And kittens.

Seasonal Sadness?

Or maybe just seasonal laziness. My mom had a more technical name for it, but I definately have it this year. I usually have it every year. Cold, gloomy, dark. Never like it. But this year is different, for many reasons, but mostly because I can't get motivated! I still have 6 "work in progress" rooms to finish, have only run once in my mini-marathon training (13.1 miles is a heck of a lot when you only run 1 at a time!), and I have gotten NOWHERE in the organization planning. Can't help anyone if the ideas are stuck in your head!

I sometimes have to remind myself that it hasn't even been 4 months yet. I am allowed to not have everything figured out yet! I think maybe I have too many plans in the works to actually get anything accomplished. Painting first, we do have a birthday party here next week! Then I will really start running, more than 1 mile at a time. Then I will kick the organization off. I have my whole life to save people. Maybe I should save myself first.

To avoid thinking about all that I am not doing, I have decided to focus my mind on something far less important. Tattoos. I am up to 5 that I am seriously considering. No one tell the husband...he only knows I want 1 more.

Tattoo #1: "Alex" in Chinese symbols on my back. Dad told me that traditionally, Chinese is written up and down. So, taking my sisters advice, I think I have decided to put it on my right shoulder, like Angelina Jolie. As Maggie said, "I would do that. She is bad ass!"

Tattoo #2: The Zibu symbol for Hope. I don't know a thing about Zibu...didn't even know it existed before I stumbled across this tattoo. But I like it, and it will be on my right wrist.

Tattoo #3: A dove on my foot. Probably under my ankle bone in that little soft spot. A dove because they universally stand for peace, but mostly because at Allie's funeral they let a dove go at the cemetary.

Tattoo #4: At Holly's halloween party, when everyone had left and it was only me, they started watching Survivor. I didn't watch the show, but one of the girls had a tattoo on her arm, and I couldn't figure out what it said. I became a tad obsessed and just had to find out what it said, and in the process fell in love with the show! The point is, she had a tattoo on her forearm. I couldn't find a picture, but I did find out that it is the Spanish word for careful. I want a tattoo in the same place, but I want it to say "Serenity Courage Wisdom" for the serenity prayer. It remains the only the thing that gets me through most days. And finally...

Tattoo #5: It hasn't been set in stone yet, but I found a tattoo for friendship that I like a lot. I immediately thought of Holly! She likes it, just have to see if she is still up for it!

So there it is. My evening spent thinking about anything but the sad things. Silly...but I am excited! Someday I may look back and say, "What in the world were you thinking?!" But I decided the other day that I should live for today. Why spend all your time worrying about how you may or may not feel about it in the future? Being a mother, that may seem contradictory, but I have learned that life is too short. Do what you want, be who you want, live how you want. What else is the point of living if you can't do those things?

Friend at work had a baby today. Missing my Alex, so here is another picture of my baby for the road. Coming up on 4 month Angelday.

Love this one. This is my absolute favorite way to be. Miss that everyday.

Angel Baby

My angel baby. Even in sadness, this picture makes me happy. Thank heavens for Holly...thanks for giving me the memories.

hollyvonbuchler.com

New Year, New Normal

Well, it's a new year. And almost 2 1/2 years since the last time I blogged. What a difference 2 1/2 years makes! What a difference a year makes.

**Last year, our Christmas tree was still up. Ornaments strewn about the house, more misplaced and with missing pieces than ever on the tree itself. And the needles. Oh the needles, everywhere you could imagine. It was so bad, I was still finding them in April. Oh dear. Our tree also blew away last year. Every Good Friday, my aunts have a big fish fry, and we burn our Christmas Trees. Sounds a little "hill jack"...but watch it once and then you are hooked. Anyway, yes. Our tree blew away. We went out to get it and it was gone. Oopsie.
*This year, the house is almost "de-Christmased" as I say it. Tree is down, the stand is in it's place in the garage, all of the ornaments are safely put away in a brand new box my mom got me. The angel for the top of the tree is safely put away for use again next year. And all the needles are gone! It only took sweeping about 15 times, but they are gone. Oh, and the tree is safe by the house, getting all dry and ready to burn away on Good Friday. I try to pretend that I can see that far into the future.

**Last year, I was drowning in a sea of Christmas presents. New clothes didn't have a home, and often were dirty due to little hands or little paws before they were ever worn. Toys never really had a place, they just were added to the toy boxes. They were never really played with to their full potential before they were simply forgotten.
*This year, everything is in it's place. December 26th was spent untwisting a thousand twist ties keeping toys in their boxes, organizing the boys new play room, and finding a home for everything that we got. When we were done and saw all our progress, it sure felt bittersweet. What it took to find this new sense of organization was more than a source of pain.

**Most of all, last year, there were three little stockings hanging in their places. There were three piles from Santa. I bought three sets of adorable Christmas jammies. And I tucked three boys in, giving three hugs and three kisses, saying three times, "Goodnight sweet boy. Merry Christmas Eve. I love you."
*This year, I bought only 2 sets of jammies, that didn't even match because Tommy is a big size 6 now! There was only 1 pile from Santa, with a section for each boy on the sides. I like to think that Santa thought it was too hard for me to see only 2 piles. There were only two stockings hanging, and only two boys needed tucked in. Two hugs, and two kisses, and only twice was it said "Goodnight sweet boy. Merry Christmas Eve. I love you." This year, and for every year after, Alex wasn't here.

Ever since that awful day, October 5, 2009, 12:12 pm, I have heard a thousand times "Things will never be normal, but with time you will find a new normal." I have decided that I don't like new normal. My entire life now is a reminder of Alex dying. My house is beautiful, fresh paint, new floors, a new organization I never knew existed. But would this have happened if Alex were still here? Probably not. The boys are now in a pre-school/daycare. I only work days now. We don't have dogs anymore. These are all blessings, but again, would they have happened if Alex were still here? Definately not.

In surfing the internet last night, I had a hard time finding a blog that I could relate to. When you search for child death, you get results about miscarriage, still birth, infant death. Childhood cancer is also there, along with losing a child in their teens. I couldn't find a single blog that was about a tragic accident happening to a sweet little boy, who wasn't sick, and who never had any illnesses. I decided then that there has to be someone out there who needs me, like I so desperately need them. I wanted to start up a new blog right away, but I am still having trouble figuring out a name. I also plan on starting an organization to provide new cribs to anyone in need. Also, still in the mental planning stages, and a long way from doing any real good. Soon. Very soon indeed.

Here is to 2010. New blog, new organization, new normal.